BY CHRIS LARUE
OCT 03, 2026
TYPES OF L.A. FRIENDS AND WHEN TO RUN
Whether you've lived in Los Angeles since your inception or you moved here from Butt Fuck, South Carolina in 2019, making friends in this city can be a uniquely miserable experience. If you are one of the lucky few who found your tribe immediately and never had to deal with the extreme isolation that so many have faced, feel free to scroll.
For the rest of you -- here is a ranking of those L.A. friend types and whether to strap on your running shoes or keep them close.
1. The Healer
You know who I'm talking about. They don't only practice yoga-- they're a yoga instructor. It is a fact that anyone who teaches yoga belongs behind bars and this is based on personal experience. I've often wondered why this connection exists--crazy people teaching yoga--and at first, it didn't make sense. Wouldn't they be spiritually elevated? Shouldn't they have an evolved sense of calm?... Well, no. They teach yoga because they need the daily, if not hourly, reminder not to burn the world to the ground, and without it, who knows what kind of dark, horrible, depraved crimes they would've already committed up and down the Pacific Coast Highway.
In 2022, I worked with a yoga instructor at a popular West Hollywood nightclub-- let's call her "Tabitha". Tabbi had killer eyes. She was the least zen person I'd ever met, so naturally I was confused by her side hustle choices. She also possessed the "eye twitch" that came and went, that said "I'm about two seconds from blacking out and sharpening these cheese knives with someone's bones if I don't get back to my spiritual safe space.".
Don't get me wrong, she was a blast to do a little snow and hit up happy hour on a slow Tuesday with, but ultimately I could never keep her as an actual close friend in my life, because that would mean consistently walking on eggshells, hoping an innocent glance wasn't taken wrong, and dealing with the emotional turmoil that lives inside 99% of yoga instructors.
VERDICT: If you are actively friends with a yoga teacher... don't walk.
2. The Starfucker
The starfucker can get you into Eric Andre's party, onto a plane with a gun, and into the VIP section at all the awards shows parties, because they're hot, smart and fun. They have the unbelievable ability to get anything they want -- their charm knows no bounds. The downside to being friends with the starfucker is that you will always be the less hot, less charming, less fuckable friend. They don't bring anyone with them who could steal their spotlight, because after all-- they're the starfucker.
If you can live with these conditions, you're sure to have a good time. You MUST be able to do your own thing, because if a guy in a Lambo pulls up off of Sunset, and only has room for one-- they'll see you in the morning. I don't make the rules.
VERDICT: They're worth keeping around if you value a bustling social life and fucking your own star (or at least their friend), but just know you'll always be the less hot one.
3. The Contrarian
When they hit you with "wellllllll" and "actuallllly" after every statement you make. Well... actually... shut the fuck up. The last thing you need when venting about your three-week situationship no longer being up your ass, is some know-it-all disagreeing with everything that you say. There is a time and place for tough love, but it no longer can be counted as any form of love when some of your sworn enemies have treated you with more kindness and understanding.
A very good friend of mine turned into a contrarian this year -- after over five years of non-contrarian friendship. The switch was slow and unsuspecting, so by the time I'd realized what was happening, it was too late.
The contrarian loves to make you feel like an even bigger sack of shit than you already feel. Maybe at one point they cared, but they don't anymore, and if you find yourself having to beg them to not find a way to disagree with you or to validate your feelings, the friendship has been over for way longer than you realized.
VERDICT: Get out of there.
4. The Positive Girly
Your mom dying is really putting a damper on their "no bad vibes" way of life. The toxic positivity is real with this one, but as long as things are going well for you, you can count on them to be there! This is probably the most common type of "friend" you find in Los Angeles, and the fucked up part is that you can't really detect them until your life has taken a turn for the worst.
In 2021, I'd lived in L.A. for a little under a year when I crashed my car, got arrested for drunk fighting my boss, and spent 24 hours smoking crack with an unhoused man I met at a gas station. That has nothing to do with this friend type, but I wanted to get it off my chest.
Anyway, the positive girly will kick you out of their life the moment your sadness becomes too difficult to manage. They'll tell you they will be there when you need them, but the door will be locked. They'll insist they're capable of friendship beyond the good times, but will stop short of actual follow through -- oh, and they will also refuse to acknowledge that any of this is true, which makes it impossible to resolve.
VERDICT: Emotional terrorist. Leave.
